![]() ![]() I actually did sit down to write you, but as soon as I did, Uncle Theo texted me and the next you thing you know we were doing tricks on the trampoline and tossing frozen chicken nuggets onto Mrs. It’s been so crazy around here I haven’t had any time to collect my thoughts. We’ll totally get it together next time! Love you! ![]() ![]() Remember when we said that while you were gone we were going to take the opportunity to rein in our screen time and create new boundaries for our digital lives? What a bunch of crap: Mom’s been basically living on Instagram and Campari and the TV’s been on since you left. You don’t even like most of those kids anyway. We have to whittle the “friends list” down from 80 to 60. We are so proud of the young woman you are becoming and we are doing everything we can to make it the best night ever. Okay, so you know how much your bat mitzvah means to us. It was close but in the end I crushed them all with … Pitbull: The Complete Recordings. Somebody thought it would be cool to have a contest to see who could make the worst playlist. ![]() After dinner, Mommy and I were feeling a little, uh, self-conscious about the music we were playing so we logged onto your iTunes account to see what the kids are listening to. I think he was joking.) We’re so ancient. (One of them asked if he could bring his laundry. Tonight Mommy and I had some younger friends from her office over for dinner. I’m dying to hear all about the cool stuff you learned at camp. Mommy and I can’t wait to see you on Sunday. We totally lost track of Theo and Meg, but I’m pretty sure they had sex on your bed. We got super-baked! Then Mommy and I fell asleep on the couch. That guy could not wait to get out of there! Uncle Theo made a makeshift bong out of the hamster’s Habitrail tubes and a sweet potato. (Of course, it’s never his fault, am I right?) When we got home Mommy got the number of a different delivery guy but she had to call her ex-boyfriend to get it and I was all like why do you still have his number? And when was the last time you used it? And if you have nothing to hide why won’t you show me your phone … ? So we had a big fight and Mommy started crying until the weed delivery guy showed up, then Mommy got so excited and started asking all sorts of goofy questions and giggling a lot. They’re both great, but I think Uncle Theo might get fired again. The answer is: Yes! So here’s what happened today: After work we met Uncle Theo and Aunt Meg for Korean food and then they came back to our place. How’s camp? Are you the coolest, most awesome kid in the whole bunk? Wait, don’t answer. We called him like four times but he never came! After a while we gave up and just had sex on your bed. We opened a bottle of wine and cleaned out your school backpacks and we waited for the weed guy to show up. (Inappropriate!) When I got home from work Mommy decided to call a weed delivery guy she said knew. (Family surf safari, again?) Mommy emailed her boss and told her that she was taking you to the orthodontist, but really she just stayed in bed watching Game of Thrones. Hey, happy Monday! How awesome is it not to be in school right now? So this morning we got up late (7:30!) and then stayed in bed drinking coffee and scanning Facebook to see what other people said they did over the weekend. I mean, it’s not like your heart’s gonna literally explode after just one cigarette! In fact, lots of parents smoke once in a while and not just the French ones. Oh, and TBH: Smoking’s not quite as bad as we might have told you. They’re like those Whole Foods cookies you guys complain about - technically, they’re cookies, but not the kind you want to eat too many of. On the way we stopped at the store to get some wine for dinner and Mommy came out with a surprise: a bright-yellow box of American Spirits! I won’t lie - they’re cigarettes but they’re not real cigarettes. Hey, Darling! So as soon as we left your bunk, Mommy stopped crying and we drove back home. But don’t worry, I won’t forget to feed the hamster and we promise to write you every day. If we have time, we might see a movie or meet some friends for dinner, something boring like that. To be honest, we can probably use the time to get organized a little and regroup after the busy school year. Hey, Sweetie! You’re probably still unpacking and getting to know your new bunkmates, but OMG, Mommy and I already miss you and your sister so much! I guess we’ll get by somehow. ![]()
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